The Perfect Princess
by noodlepower
Summary: If you can't tell by the title, it's about Relena. I can't stand Relena but this isn't bad considering that fact...
1. The Perfect Princess

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The Perfect Princess

By Aoko

Email: noodlepower@hotmail.com

It's five am in the morning. And I have a gun in my hand.

I hate myself. I wish I were a boy. If I were boy, maybe he would love me instead of him. I hate my hair. It's not long enough. I hate my eyes. They are not the right color. I hate my height. I just a tad bit too short. I hate my breast. They don't entice him. I hate the fact I have to sit to piss. I hate everything that represents my feminine qualities.

It's five am in the morning. And I'm holding a gun to my head.

I can't keep him bound to me. I love him too much. And I am willing to step down for him. And for Duo. That name is like acid in my mouth. Yet, I can't bring myself to hate him. So I hate myself. I hate myself for the things I couldn't do right.

Yeah, they're meant for each other. Heero and Duo. Sitting in a tree. I'm purely disgusted at the thought.

It's five am in the morning. And I'm considering pulling the trigger of the gun I have held to my head.

I'm tired of being looked at as naive. Bet they think I'm a virgin. I'm human. I'm a female. I'm lonely. I don't like to be alone. There was always this one guy... I don't even remember his name. He used to be a guard here. 

His kisses were sloppy. His touch was too rough. I felt empty afterwards. And I learned then that sex without love is quite meaningless. It's just skin hitting against skin. An orgasm that lasts a few seconds. And it's over. No cuddling. No "I love you." It's just over. And the next day comes and goes. You think nothing else of it.

I hate that there was a war. If it hadn't been for the war, I would have never met him. I wouldn't have dared to love him. I wouldn't have my dreams shattered like glass. 

I hate the way he looks at me. Like I'm a saint. I'm not. I'm Relena Darlain. I'm Relena Peacecraft. I'm Princess of the Sank Kingdom. I'm Queen of the World. I'm Millardo Peacecraft's little sister. I'm a pawn in wars. I'm the keeper of peace.

Who am I? Why can't I just live? Why must they all look so adoringly at me? Why must they treat me like a china doll? I promise I won't break. I won't break that easily. I'm just as strong as Heero. 

It's five am in the morning. And I'm pointing a gun my reflection.

I hate my responsibility. I don't want it. I don't want to give speeches. I don't want to try and convince everybody to stop fighting. I don't want to smile. I don't want to laugh.

I want Heero in my arms. But it's not going to happen. I can accept that. Yet, I can't accept this awful pain it brings in my heart. 

Why must it hurt so much? Are these tears in my eyes? This wet liquid that's falling down my face...? Yes, it must be tears. I'm obviously not as strong as I thought I was.

Wufei's right. I am weak. Because I am a woman.

Weak. Woman. Disgusting. I hate myself. I am the very image of everything that is feminine. Dressed in pink. Girlish handwriting. Dolls and teddy bears. Even now, I display my femininity by wearing a pink boxers and a light purple tank top.

It's five am in the morning. And I have gun pointed at my head. I want to pull the trigger.

I thought maybe during the Mariamaia Incident, I could make him mine. I didn't really expect that to happen. It was just that small hope. In the end, he left. Like always. No good-bye.

I see him and Duo together now. They are with the Preventers. Sometimes they protect me. And I want to gut Duo. And yell at Heero. But I just put on my mask. I'm much better at pretending to be alright than Gundam pilots. I have it down to an art, though, they're not bad at it. Especially Duo. He's almost as good as I am. Still, we've all seen the sadness in his eyes every once in awhile.

But now my mask is cracking. It's falling apart. Because of Duo. Heero. Quatre. Trowa. Wufei. Zechs. Une. Noin. Sally. 

They're making it break. Everyday... it's Miss Relena that or Miss Relena this. My own brother calls me Miss Relena, only in public, but still, he's my own damn brother! I hate them. I hate them all. I hate them for making me feel this pain... this hatred... this sadness.

They keep me at arms length. Never allowing me to attend anything other than those boring social dinners. I'm a child. A naive child. One who knows nothing of war. 

Doesn't losing the only father I've ever known count for something? Does having to hear my mother's soul wrenching cries at night count? Does watching my mother slowly lose her sanity count for anything? Does the pain of not being loved count? Does it? What about my brother? He hasn't even spent ten minutes with me alone. Me, his own sister.

Tell me Heero, what do you think?

It's five am in the morning. And I have a gun pointed at my head. I am contemplating pulling the trigger. Instead, I point the gun at my reflection in the mirror. I pull the trigger of the gun. It clicks. "Bang," I say to myself, "You're just dead as they are."

Angry at my weakness, I hit the mirror with the gun. The glass flies out towards me. I barely register the few pieces of razor-sharp silver that strike my arms and legs. I feel the blood flowing down my skin. I smile.

Who's the perfect princess now?

I take the safety off the gun. I raise it to my head. I take a step back and I feel the glass shards cut into my feet. I scream out and fall to the floor. I quickly place the gun behind my back and I stick my foot out to examine it.

And they come running in. Everyone. With their guns drawn ready to eliminate the enemy. Only there is no enemy. Just my demons.

"Relena?" Heero gasps, taking in my pale face and angry blue eyes.

"What on Earth..?" Duo murmurs, "Relena..?"

"Oh my, Miss Relena... what a mess..." Dorothy adds.

Quatre is too stunned to speak and naturally Trowa has nothing to say. Zechs shakes his head. "What's going on?"

"Relena... did you do this?" Noin. Her false concern. If Zechs weren't related to me, she'd never glance in my direction.

Une looks like she wants to say something, but isn't sure what. Sally snaps out of it and rushes to my side, oblivious to the gun behind my back as she examines my foot. "How on Earth did you manage this?"

I pull the gun and point it at Sally. "Get away from me."

She gasps, and quickly retreats. Shock is evident on her face.

"Relena?" Quatre asks, "What are you doing?"

I put the gun to my head. And pull the trigger. Again the gun clicks. "I'm empty. Just like all of you."

"Relena, this isn't like you," Noin pleads.

"Then tell me who I am."

There is silence in the room. I look at each of them. "Quatre, what's my favorite color?"

He is hesitant, but answers. "Pink."

"Wrong. Zechs, what's my favorite song?"

No answer. "Just as I thought. Noin, name one of my hobbies."

She shakes her head. "Sally, what's my favorite television show?"

Silence.

"Trowa, what's my favorite sport?"

"I don't know." His reply is so quiet I barely hear it.

"How many languages can I speak, Wufei?"

"Relena..."

"Une, what's my favorite season?"

"Don't... Relena."

"Duo, what's my favorite food? Heero, tell me my favorite subject!"

That awful silence.

"Dorothy, what's my favorite arcade game?"

Dorothy frowns. "You like arcade games?"

I scream out my frustration and throw the gun at Duo who skillfully dodges it. "I hate you all! You smile at me. And pretend to know me! And yet you know absolutely nothing about me!" 

Heero takes a step a forward but my glare stops him. "You have no right. I just wanted to be loved by you. Oh well, I get my heart broken. Again. That's what I get for loving an emotionless, son-of-a-bitch. You couldn't even offer me friendship."

"Hey, don't blame Heero..."

I cut off Duo. "It's always the Pink Terror's fault, isn't it? Naive and crazy. Obsessed. Annoying, screeching voice!"

Duo's eyes widened and I laugh. "Didn't think I hear the things you say about me? Don't think I hear you all laugh? No one defends my name, but I get in front of the spotlight and defend each and every last one of you. I defend every soldier that fought. I defend you all with my last breath! Yet, I get nothing. Nothing. Not even friendship!"  


"Relena, maybe if we..." Zechs stops, unsure of what to do.

"You're not my brother. My brother died. You look like him. But you're not him. My brother would never treat like a person he knew of, but didn't know personally. Leave. All of you."

"I don't want to leave you like this," Sally states. "At least let me tend to your foot."

"Don't worry about me. Today, I'll be ready. And I'll go the press conference. I shall become the peace keeper. The audience will devour my words and beg for more. Now leave. Get out! Now! Out!"

Though hesitantly, they all leave, except for Dorothy who remains, staring at me. "I'm sorry."

"It's too late for sorry. I'm just as bitter and jaded as any soldier now."

Dorothy leaves, slamming the door shut behind her. This is not the Relena she worshipped.

It's five-thirty am. The blood on my foot is dry. The gun is laying somewhere near the door. Death has passed me by again. 

I limp to my bathroom and clean my foot. I will wear flat shoes today. But today, at noon, when I step onto the stage this morning's events will be forgotten. 

And I shall be the perfect princess again. 

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Disclaimer: Me no own not nothing.


	2. The Orphan and The Princess

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The Orphan and The Princess

By Aoko

I am sitting out on the balcony of my hotel. Today, I am in Germany for a peace conference. Germany had long since divided into two governments back when Treize was "placed under house arrest" by the Romefellar Foundation. Beautiful Germany has yet to be able to come as one and civil war threatens to arise. 

Duo is here, leading a Preventer team to keep riots and such down. He's been doing well so far. Heero is here also. He is my body guard, naturally. Normally, Heero would not let me sit on the balcony. If he did, he would be out here with me. Today, he makes himself scarce, his main reason being that Duo is here also. The other reason has been forgotten by everyone.

At this particular moment, I am thinking I might have time to myself, but a soft knock and a voice ends that train of thought. I don't turn my head. I just keep staring out at the beautiful landscape.

"Relena?"

It's Duo. "Yes?"

"Can I talk to you? For a moment?"

"Certainly." Now I turn my head. I watch the boy I have competed with for years take a seat across from me. He grabs his long, chestnut braid as he sits, playing nervously with the ends. His beautiful violet eyes shine brightly. I notice that he his eyes dart back and forth for a few minutes before finally resting on me. I hate his eyes.

"How are you doing?"

"Fine. You?"

"Great! Heero surprised me with this awesome lunch..." Duo stops, realizing I might not care to hear the wonderful perks of their relationship.

"Was it a nice lunch?" I ask.

"Yes, Relena. It was."

I grow tired. The small talk is for the diplomats and Duo is no diplomat. "Cut the bullshit, Duo. What do you want?"

His eyes nearly bug out that I, Princess of Cinq, dare use a word such as bullshit. Why can't they understand that I'm human too?

"Geez Princess, you're full of surprises."

I don't reply to him. It would feel as though I were wasting valuable oxygen.

Duo shrugs and continues. "You know, about the things I say about you, well I'm sorry. Okay? It was never meant to hurt you. I was joking."

My eyes narrow. "Joking? I'm a joke to you?"

"No! That's not what I meant!" He waves his hands in front of him frantically.

"Of course not." I sigh and look back at the landscape. "I won't deny it. I was very childish during the war. I thought that if I spoke, if I commanded it so, then it would be. I learned that it doesn't quite work that way. I realized during the Mariemaia incident that I was powerless.... that I was somehow always the pawn in the war. He who controls Relena Peacecraft Darlain controls the war."

"That's how it seemed," Duo agreed. "I really disliked you because of that. Or at least that was one reason I disliked you. It always seemed like Heero had to be the white knight in shining armor coming to rescue the helpless princess and I hated it."

"You always thought I looked down on you because you were an orphan, a street rat, a joker... a boy in love with another boy. I never did. Never. I envy you actually. You know what it's like to go without so that you can truly appreciate the finer things of life. You have someone to love and someone to love you back. I envy you because you have a strong pair of arms waiting to embrace you each night you come home, where as I have no one. Not even my own brother. I envy you because... you could always smile so naturally, so easily when I couldn't. I envy you because you are free. Free to go wherever and do whatever."

"Relena... the war is over for everyone. You should let it go. You're free to do whatever too."

"You are wrong, Duo. You are so wrong." I took a small sip of my tea. "The war is over for everyone except me. You are free to go wherever and my place is here, in the mist of the aftermath, holding the fragile peace together. I am the thread that binds the Colonies and Earth. My name gives the people hope... hope that they truly can live in a world without war. And as long as I breathe, then I shall fulfill this duty bestowed upon me as best I can. In order to do that, I must remember the war for the people who will eventually forget."

Duo mouth drops open, then closes. He takes a deep breath and shake his head. "I never knew you took what you did so seriously." 

"You never knew me at all." 

Duo nods. He stands and starts to walk away, pausing for a moment to throw me a sad smile. "Bye, Miss Relena."

"Good-bye, Maxwell."

So, he left. I'm tired of looking at everyone's back.

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Disclaimer: Me not own nothing.

Much thanks to those who reviewed!


	3. The Perfect Soldier and The Princess

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The Perfect Soldier and the Princess

by Aoko

Email: noodlepower@hotmail.com

I am leaving Germany now. The peace conference lasted for weeks. It has been weeks, but finally Germany has been re-united. The beautiful country was split when Treize was placed under "house arrest" by the Romafellar Foundation. The people now realize that an endless, pointless war wasn't Treize's goal. His goal was a war that would make the people understand the tragic beauty of fighting. Dorothy and the others think that it was Zechs goal. In the end, though, it was really Treize's goal. We were merely the actors and actresses for his play. I knew the first time I met him that he was indeed a master manipulator, far better than myself. 

Oh Treize... he played his part well. Far too well... Ironically, I miss him. He was such a strong leader and secretly, I envied him. 

I am in the car riding to the airport. Heero is sitting across from me. He is a bit irritated because Duo has to stay in Germany to tie up some Preventer business.

I smile at Heero. He looks like a child when he is pouting. He feels my eyes on him and stares at me. I do not quickly turn my head, but rather, I hold his gaze until he looks away. I wonder if I intimidate him. He looks away.

Victory is mine this round. I stare out the window. I wonder if our plane will crash and I'll die a bloody death. Such bad thoughts. Une would have the plane checked from top to bottom. And Heero is my bodyguard. He'd let nothing happen to the one chosen "to lead the world into peace." What about my peace of mind?

"Did you talk to Duo?" Heero asks.

I look at him and raise my eyebrow, silently asking him to explain himself.

He shrugs. "Duo said you're not a bad person."

"Did he really? I suppose you think I am bad person then." I look back out the car window, watching the scenes outside.

"No!" Heero says quickly, "It's just that I don't know what you said to him cause he thinks you're cool now. And he didn't really like you a lot before."

"He thinks," I say. "What do you think?"

He is silent and this fuels my anger. "I'm not crazy, Heero! I'm not! When you wouldn't have me as your girlfriend, I thought we could be friends. But you kept avoiding me like I carried the black plague! Is it because I followed you? I just wanted to be near you, to know that you would survive and to make sure that you had a reason to keep fighting! Is because I shouted out for you to kill me? I felt dead on the inside and it's not very enjoyable being a living corpse. What did I do that was so bad you'll only tolerate me for the sake of peace? Tell me, Heero."

His beautiful, blue eyes widen. "Relena, I…"

"Forget it!"

I cross my arms and close my eyes. I won't be weak. Not in front of Heero. I won't cry.

There is silence the rest of the trip. We arrive at the airport and I am escorted to my plane. Amid the shouting and yelling of the reporters and the crowd who has come to see me off, I think I might go crazy. I think I might break down and the world would know I'm just a little girl trying to be grown up.

On the plane, I sleep. I can't bear to face Heero and there's nothing else to do. I sleep for hours and I dream of eternal darkness. Just when I think I could wrap myself inside the abyss and cease to exist, the stewardess wakes Heero and me, though I don't think he was sleeping to begin with.

We get off the plane. I stretch as soon as I am on the ground and for some reason I am glad to be home. I think it's because this place is familiar. Home is actually a lonely place. 

There are two cars. Quatre and Trowa are in their Preventers uniform, waiting for Heero. Pargan, my wonderful butler, is waiting next to my limo. I wave at Quatre and Trowa and smile sweetly at Pargan. He is so dear to my heart.

I start walking towards Pargan, not even giving Heero a side glance. I feel something tug lightly on my arm, and suddenly Heero's face is so near to mine. He smells like jasmine and gunpowder, a unique blend that is purely his. I think I might melt away as I feel his warm breath against my skin. "Heero?" 

He whispers to me, "You are so beautiful to me. Don't be sad, Relena."

Then he walks away. He is walking towards Quatre and Trowa, that impenetrable mask on his face. I stare after him. I watch him with wide, curious eyes as he shrugs off Trowa and Quatre's question. I shake my head and walk towards my car. I am beautiful so says Heero, my hero. 

If only I could believe that….

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Disclaimer: Me not own nothing.

Thanks for reviewing!

A/N: I suppose now would be a good time to mention that is a work-in-progress. My intentions are to explore Relena's relationship with each of the main characters from Gundam Wing. Sorry, I should have mentioned that on the first part. It's just that I see each part as independent story that can form one story. I just wanted each part to be together so when people read it they wouldn't go, "Hmm, I wonder if that had anything to do with that last fic..." Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad you all enjoyed the previous parts (and hopefully this part too).


	4. The Prince and The Princess

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The Prince and The Princess

by Aoko

Email: noodlepower@hotmail.com

****

  
**_"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;_**

I lean my head against the smooth, cool glass window. I close my eyes. I know that if I open them, I will see them. I will see Heero and Duo out in the backyard, holding each other, kissing each other. I will see Duo laughing and Heero mock-glaring at his lover. I have to close my eyes. The vision of them hurts me beyond words.  


**__**

I lift my lids and all is born again.

I open my eyes as I hear my door creak. Zechs or Milliard (I never know what to call him these days) does not bother to knock. I glance at him. He enters my room with his graceful stride. It's the walk of a true prince... No, a king.  


"Relena," he says as walks to me, "You should come out of your room."  


"Concerned?" I ask. I can't help feeling a bit of anger from all this recent brotherly love. He is probably right, though. I haven't left my room since my return from Germany a week ago. Not since the soldiers unhappy with the outcome of the war has joined together and made threats against my well-being. I'm not afraid of them. Not in the least bit. It's just that there was a bomb planted in my limo... and Pargan was in it. I still grieve for him. Out of everyone, he is the one that cared the most. Now, he's gone. Just like that. 

"Of course. Your well-being is important to me."   


So lost within myself, I almost miss Zechs reply. I answer with the only thing that seems appropriate. "Yes, of course. Big brother."  


He walks towards me and places a hand on my shoulder. He leans so close to me, I can feel the warmth of his breath against my cheek. His platinum locks, so much more beautiful than my caramel-colored hair, grazes my face. He smells like roses... like beautiful, red, red roses. I close my eyes again and just focus on inhaling the scent of my brother.  


"See anything interesting?" I ask after a long silence between us.  


"Just Heero and Duo."  


I open my eyes again. They are still out there and I am consumed, not by jealousy, but by loneliness.

"You shouldn't stand so close to me. You might catch my cold." I don't know why, but lately I haven't been feeling well. I might be coming down with the flu or maybe my whole equilibrium feels off and I'm just imagining I'm sick. Or maybe my life is draining away, but I'm too tired to do anything about it because my life's not beautiful. It's not filled with love and friendship. It's just one long debate, proper etiquette, and loneliness.  


**__**

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

"Heero and Duo make a wonderful couple, Relena. Can't you see it?" He kisses my cheek. I blush, as that was something totally unexpected. "I've never been sick. Injured, yes, but sick... no."  


"Heero," I sigh, ignoring Zechs' remark about being sick. I love the way Heero's name rolls off my tongue. I can never say his name enough.  


Zechs pulls me away from the window. "You shouldn't hate Duo. He's done nothing wrong."  


"I don't hate Duo. Why must it always be about Duo?"  


"Then stop acting so childish and come down. Talk with them. We are all going to be here for awhile. Or at least until the threats are over and the people behind it are caught."  


"I want to stay in my room." There's nothing out there for me, I add silently.  


Zechs gracefully sits on my bed. Everything he does is always so graceful and elegant. "I care about you, Relena. I don't want you unhappy."  


"You care?" I ask. My voice is filled sarcasm. "Since when?"  


"I have always cared about you. Every since you were little."  


I stare at him for a long time, truly studying him for the first time. I notice his lean but muscular body... his beautiful platinum hair... his eyes. My brother's ice blue eyes always seem to haunt me. Even in my dreams. "Stop pretending."  


"What?"  


"You don't care about me. What you care about is the little Relena you knew back then. And the Relena who will lead the world into peace. You've created an image of me in your head, but I can't live up to that image."

"That's not true," Zechs insists.

"But it is."  


"Relena, why must you say such negative things?"  


I quirk my eyebrow. "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black."  


"So I'm not the most optimistic person in the world."  


"I don't know," I interrupt, "You seemed pretty optimistic about dropping a colony on the Earth."  


"The war wasn't easy for me," he answers quietly.  


"And peace isn't easy for me." Zechs looks up at me, his long bangs covering his beautiful, azure eyes. "I'm broken. Just like you."  


**__**

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,  


Something in his eyes soften. He gets up and pulls me into an embrace. "I'm an awful brother. A complete idiot. A poor excuse for a man. A broken warrior." He sighs heavily, gently stroking my hair. "To the world, I am Zechs. And he is a soldier. But Relena, I will always be Milliard to you. I will always be your brother. And I will always care."  


I bury my face into his chest. Everything fades out to a deep, blood red. I feel weak. "I'm an awful sister. A complete idiot. An absolutely, pathetic woman. A lost, little girl."  


"Must be that old Peacecraft blood, eh?"  


"Must be," I reply.  


**__**

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:  


I pull away from Milliard (not Zechs anymore) and smile at him. It's a true, genuine smile. It's the kind of smile that only a sister could give her dearest and only brother... her only true, living relative. Things go from red to black and I feel myself falling through darkness.  


**__**

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.  


My vision clears for a minute and I see Heero looking over me. I'm in somebody's arms, probably Milliard's arms. Someone is touching my forehead, probably Sally. Is Quatre biting his lower lip? That seems rather typical. Trowa. I imagine him frowning. Wufei has his head bowed. Dorothy? I don't know where she is. I don't know why I care where she is. Une and Noin are probably nearby, yelling at my workers trying to figure out what happened. 

What did happen? Why do I feel as though my insides are on fire? Why is it so hard to breathe? It hurts to think. Perhaps if I just sleep.... I look at everyone just one last time.   


I can see them but I can't hear them. Doesn't matter though. When I close my eyes again, they won't exist anymore. Or is it me who won't exist?  


**__**

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed  


It's that same dream I have every night. Heero and Trowa are best friends. Heero and I meet during the war. He is on another continent. I just know he is. I have to cross a sea of dead bodies, but all the dead bodies look like Duo. I cross anyway. For Heero, I would move mountains. When I reach the other continent, I find myself aboard the Peacemillion. I am in a wedding dress and everyone is there. Noin is my maid of honor and Dorothy, Hilde, Une, and another girl are my bridesmaid. Quatre is the ring bearer and Trowa is the best man. Zechs is going to give me away. Mariemaia is the flower girl. It's great. It's so perfect. 

But outside, people are fighting. They are dying and screaming. Yet there was one voice that stands out among the millions of other screaming people. It was Duo's voice. He's screaming for Heero to save him. Heero wants to leave, but I tell him that this is way it's suppose to be. He agrees with me. 

Inside the Peacemillion, all my dreams are coming true.  


**__**

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.  


I dream that after the wedding we were at my palace in Cinq. At my palace in my bedroom. Heero kissed me tenderly, gently at first. It was a chaste kiss, our lips barely touching, that quickly turned into a passionate, lustful kiss. I felt like I was on some sort of drug. Nothing meant anything except for the feel of Heero's soft lips kissing me insane. Not even the people dying outside. It meant nothing to me.  


**__**

(I think I made you up inside my head.)  


Heero. I dreamed of Heero, in a world with no Duo. It was a beautiful dream.  


**__**

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:  


He stopped kissing me. He kept asking who was crying, and I pleaded with him to ignore the voice. He would kiss me and stop. He would stare outside longingly, and then look at me sadly. He wanted so badly to save Duo, but I held on to him, begging him and pleading with him how much I needed him... I needed his touch, his kiss... his presence. 

He says my name slowly, as if it were the name of a divine angel. His eyes are so clouded with confusion and I hate the inner war he is going through at the moment. Yet, I refuse to let him go. I know that if I do, my world will fall apart.  


**__**

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:  


Dreams end though. 

I don't know had long I had been dreaming. I didn't really care. The first sound I heard was a steady beeping noise. Then, I opened my eyes to find a white ceiling. And finally, I was greeted by the smell of antiseptic. My mind registered that I was in a hospital, in a hospital bed, with a heavy weight on me.

****

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I look down and find Milliard laying on my stomach. He is asleep. I try to smile but I can't. 

Once, I wished upon a star. I wished for an eternal, dreamless sleep. I love to sleep these days. Every problem seems to fade away for a few moments. I am at peace when I sleep. Sure, I have nightmares and my rest is disturbed, but every now and then, I am at peace when I am sleeping and I am grateful for those rare, precious moments. 

****

I fancied you'd return the way you said,

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. My normal sleep pattern is broken and Milliard wakes. He looks at me for a long time, as if he is seeing me for the first time in his life. And perhaps he really is seeing me for the first time because he smiles. It is a true, genuine smile; a smile one can only give as he realize his savior has not abandoned him. My brother is so beautiful in this moment. I am moved to tears.

"Relena," he whispers, moving to wipe away my tears. His hand is calloused, but his touch is gentle. "What's wrong?"

"Everything," I whimper. My voice is hoarse and sore. Milliard notices this. He grabs a cup from the nightstand and walks to the sink to pour me some water. He hands the cup to me, but my arms are so stiff and have that feeling like a million needles are pricking me. Milliard puts the cup to my lips instead and the water feels so good going down my throat. I feel so much better.  


**__**

But I grow old and I forget your name.

"What's wrong?" he asks again.

I shake my head. "Why am I here? In the hospital?"

"The doctors found traces of arsenic in your blood. It was given to you regularly in such small amounts, it really didn't do anything noticeable to you, but the gradual build-up. It absorbs in your system. You get little things like head-aches and stomach aches that can be easily explained. We figured it was something you must eat everyday...."

"Except none of you know enough about me to know what it is I crave that I must have it everyday?" 

He answers me with guilty silence. He doesn't know and I refuse to volunteer the answer. 

"When arsenic is mixed with powdered sugar, you can't taste it's bitterness, you know."

"How long have I been here?" I change the topic. After all, why must I nearly die for him to take an interest in what my favorite snack is?

"A week now. It was really bad. I thought you weren't going to make it."

****

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

"Again? I survived."

"Of course. You're a survivor."

I stare at him, frowning. I always survive. It's like fate is refusing me death. She teases me, always making me think I'm on the verge of leaving this material world forever, but in the end, I unexpectedly survive. "Of course."

"Relena, the others are worried. We feared the worse ever since that night you..." His voice trails off and he suddenly he finds the white, tile floor so very interesting. "You threw that gun at Duo. I don't want you to die. You're all I have left, as selfish as that may be."

This is the man who tried to destroy the Earth. How many people have died because of him? No, he's the man who hugged me on the Libra. He's the man who fought to make my ideals a reality. No, he was a loyal Oz soldier, fighting for control of the Colonies. He tried to kill Heero. No, this is the man who claims to be my brother. He claims to care deeply about me. Who is he? It's so hard trying to separate one persona from the other.  


**__**

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;  


The mental dialogue is hurting my head, so opt for my favorite subject. "Where is Heero?"

"He's at home."

Well, what did I expect? For him to be here, concerned over the welfare of little, old me? "How nice."

"He and Duo have been searching relentlessly for the ones responsible for poisoning you."

"Because they care or because it's their duty?"

"Both." Milliard brushes my hair out of my face. "Relena, what's wrong?"

"I'm just tired, Milliard."

"Oh," he says, "Then I shall leave you to your rest. Good-bye, Relena."

The sound of the door closes and the tears I held back comes. The tears represent my pain... the times when I wanted to shout out to everyone. All those times when I wanted to just hang out, but they refused due to my status, concerned for my safety... my importance to peace. All those times I quietly came stumbled upon the others and heard them talk about my ignorance, naivety, and my fashion sense. When I heard them talk about obsession with Heero and stalker-like ways. I heard them laughing at me. But when I entered the room, it was all smiles and politeness. 

****

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

At least Dorothy never hid her true opinion of me. But she's too obsessed with seeing me break than being a friend. A friend... the word sounds so foreign to my lips. Those I knew back in high school were not friends. They were acquaintances... just people I knew so I wouldn't feel lonely.

I don't think they realize how much it hurts to hear their words. Why do I even defend their actions? I wish these damn tears would stop. But it only makes me cry even harder.

****

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I close my eyes and the tears still spill out. I close my eyes and I pretend that nothing exists. I pretend that I am only energy with no thought in an ever-changing universe.   


**__**

(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

I pretend... I'm so good at pretending. So when will I stop pretending that everything is alright? 

I hear the door open. 

"Relena, I'm sorry."

"For what?" I whisper. I know he can see the tears, but I won't open my eyes. I won't look at him. If I do, then my walls will fall down and I'll be naked in front of him.

"For pretending that you could do it all by yourself. For pretending that I knew you."

So now I open my eyes. I know they are red and puffy as my tears spill forth. It seems we all pretend, don't we?

-----------------------------

Disclaimer: Me not own nothing.

****

A/N: The words in bold and italics are lines from a poem called Mad Girl's Love Song by Slyvia Plath. I've been editing this part for awhile now. I may edit it in future parts, but for now, this is it. If you see any mistakes, let me know. And the part about arsenic... I got the idea from the book, Flowers in the Attic. The evil grandmother poisoned her grand-children by giving them a powdered doughnut laced in arsenic everyday. 


	5. The Desert Child and The Princess

**The Desert Child and The Princess**

By Aoko

I rest now in my bed. Finally, they've released me from that torturous hospital. I will be fine they say. I should rest awhile they say. Sally agrees and I won't be going anywhere for the next two weeks. Now, I get two, wonderful weeks to contemplate the meaning of life. 

There is a knock on my door. I roll my eyes and pleasantly call out to the visitor, "Please, come in."

Quatre enters. He is holding flowers and wearing a charming smile. His eyes twinkle with a mixture of concern and friendliness. "Hello, Miss Relena. How are you today?"

"Lovely," I reply, "And you?"

"Wonderful." He walks up to my bed and hands me a bouquet of freshly cut, green roses. "For you."

"Thank you. It must have cost you a lot. Green roses are rare." I look at the nightstand next to my bed. "Could you set them there?"

Quatre nods and places the roses on the table. "I wanted to see how you are doing. I was worried."

"About what would happen to the peace?"

Quatre glances at me. "No. About you."

I hate Quatre. He's killed more people than I could count; yet they proclaim him as the innocent one. Everyone loves Quatre, for he could do no wrong in their eyes. Yet, I am the one they can't stand... the annoying, bratty, idealistic rich girl who only fights to lose. Yes, I hate Qautre deeply.

"How are really doing, Relena?" Quatre asks, staring at me with those beautiful, marine-blue eyes.

"I'm okay."

"Really?"

I sigh deeply. "Stop it. You're getting on my damn nerves."

"Sorry."

"I don't like you, Quatre." I suppose bluntness is usually best in some situations.

"Why not?" He sounds so hurt, but I truly do not care.

"Because, everyone loves you."

"I don't quite follow."

I shrug. "I don't know if I'm coming or going these days, Quatre. I think I'm going insane."

"Define insane."

I look at Quatre as if he's grown a second head. "What?"

"Define insane," he repeats.

"Hmm," I think, "Insane is when reality makes no more sense and it all seems to go so fast and you need a moment to rest and catch up, but you can't because the ride never stops."

"Great news, Miss Relena," he beams, and yes, I mean he really does beams. "You are not going insane. Everyone feels that way."

"Quatre, you're full of it."

"So, what do you want me to say?"

I look at Quatre, my gaze never faltering as I take in every single detail of the so-called golden child before my eyes. "I want you to drop the mask for once. You're just as tainted as the others by war. You're not innocent and you're not naive. You were what the others needed you to be. You played your role as the angel of mercy during the war. You played it well."

"Well," he says. The innocent light in his eyes fades and is replaced by a more serious, worldly look. "You are the first to see me for who I am. Not the child, but the killer."

"And that's why I hate you. Because they can't see through you."

"Maybe. Or perhaps they do and choose to ignore it."

I laugh. "Yes, perhaps. What did you lose Quatre? Why are your eyes as empty mine?"

"No one fights a war and remains untainted Relena. No one survives the war and lives happily ever after."

I saw a flash of Prussian blue eyes in my mind's eye... the sting of reality hit me once again and tears threatened to fall. "You're right. No one survives the war and lives happily ever after. Too many tainted memories. Too many illusions. Right becomes wrong and wrong becomes right. Allies become enemies and enemies become allies."

"But we have peace now, Relena. No need to dwell in the past."

"No, if I am to keep the universe at peace, I must always dwell in the past. I can't let another war happen. It's my duty."

"We all care about you, Relena," Quatre sighs, "But I must admit, I didn't like you because the others didn't seem to like you. I purposely didn't invite to many occasions I held. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

I turn my head and stare at the white ceiling. Quatre and I are so much alike. We are both the baby of the family. We both lost our fathers to war. We both grew up privilege. We both played a part in war. We both come from pacifist families. We are both broken inside.

I always did have this soft spot for Quatre, and I hate myself for it. Yet, I allow my mind to wonder for a moment, and I think that in another lifetime, I could have loved Quatre. 

Before I could think, my mouth spills the words I never meant to say aloud. "I could have loved you."

"Define love."

I look at Quatre. The knowing look in his eyes is enough to make me want to hit him. I can only glare at him as I curse his name in seven different languages. "You may leave now."

He turns away and walks towards the door. He places a hand on the brass doorknob, and hesitates. "I came to make amends, Miss Relena, because I was wrong. My whole notion of you was wrong."

He leaves the room and I glare after the door that he has shut. He's back to his innocent, naive role again. 

The door pops open again, and Quatre sticks his head in the door. "Oh, I'll be waiting on your definition of love." 

With that said and done, he closes the door. Quatre is such a bastard. He asked me to define love. I can't define love and he knows it. I don't even know what love is anymore. I wonder to myself if I'll ever know.

______________________________________________

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Gundam Wing. 

Oh, and thanks for the reviews. Thanks for the idea, but Relena is not going to kill herself. This part with Quatre was hard and I think from this point on, it will get harder.


	6. The Silent Clown and The Princess

**The Silent Clown and The Princess**

By Aoko

Email: noodlepower@hotmail.com

Trowa walks into the living room and stops in front of the couch I am stretched out on. I look up from the book I am reading, raising an eyebrow to silently ask what he is doing here. Trowa shrugs and then goes to sit in the pale, blue recliner. He's here to keep watch I see. 

Just as I'm about to continue with my book, Trowa tosses a package towards me. It lands near my feet. I sit up and examine the small, square package. It's a cd. I look at Trowa for an explanation.

"From Duo."

I nod. So Duo bought me a cd. A servant walks in. She's a short, young girl with dark hair and cat-like eyes. She's always very nice to me, but I can't remember her name. She sets a tray of powdered doughnuts in front of me. "Here Miss Relena. I know they are your favorite."

"Could you put this in the cd player for me before you leave?"

The girl nods eagerly and walks to the sound system. She inserts the cd and hands me the remote to the stereo. "Enjoy yourself, Miss Relena. You deserve it!"

Trowa looks curiously at the doughnuts, but otherwise remains silent. 

"Would you care for one?"

He shakes his head and I shrug. I push play on the remote and the first thing I hear is the strumming of a guitar, perhaps acoustic, followed by a deep, sultry voice. I skip through the cd, smiling to myself. The music is so relaxing.

But there's one song, one single song that grabs my attention. 

The heavy, drumbeat and acoustic guitars flow together to create this peaceful, melodious song. I nod my head as the singer begins the song....

**__**

The time is right  
I'm gonna pack my bags

For a minute, I just nod my head, with my eyes closed. A smile slowly creeps to my face. 

**__**

  
And take that journey down the road  
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shinning

To see the bright sun shining. I allow myself to think that maybe I will see that. Or do I need to find it?

**__**

  
And I want to live inside the glow  
Yeah

I want to go there too. I want to live inside a soft, warm glow where love and comfort surround me... where gentle arms embrace me and make me feel accepted.

**__**

I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything  
That exists between here and nowhere  
I wanna go to a place time has consequence oh yeah  
The sky opens to my prayers  


I wanna go there too. I want to be nothing and everything. I want to exist and not exist. I want to experience a life without time... where the worlds stops and hangs suspended in a one, joyous moment that is shared with everyone. I want the sky to open up and lift me towards the stars. I want that so badly I could almost actually envision it.

**__**

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  


I feel myself rise to my feet. I feel Trowa's eyes on me. But I don't care. The soft, slow melody is drifting to my soul. My body sways and then I feel myself turning. My hands and arms move in wavy motions and I toss my head. It's a dance that has no one has ever danced before and I love the way it makes me feel. Or perhaps it's the simple fact that I feel after all. 

Beautiful... this is my dance to beauty. Though I may not be beautiful on the outside, maybe I can be beautiful on the inside. Maybe this inner beauty will reflect and I will appear beautiful. Maybe beauty isn't anything physical.... I want to be beautiful.

**__**

Please understand that it not that I don't care  
But right know these wall are closing in on me  
I love you more than I love life itself

I do care. I care about all of them. How could I not love them all? They've done so much. Even still, I need to take care of me for a little while. I need space to grow and fly. I need time to sort it all out. Or else I might suffocate.

The dance is coming from a place inside. I twirl and twirl, stopping to sway my hips and smile. I move my hands across my body, revealing in this feeling of escapism. In this single moment, I am free of everything that constrains me.

**__**

But I need to find a place were I can breathe  
I can breathe  
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible  
And let go of the pain with all my might

I wish I could share this feeling with the world; you know, what it feels like to just let go. I love the feeling of letting go. I laugh to myself. Because I am everything! I am swimming in the ocean, marveling at the sight of all the animal creatures. I am floating among the clouds in the big, blue sky. I am stretched out in a tree watching the little critters play. 

I love this dance of freedom. I love not that feeling awful, horrible pain when I'm alone, even in huge crowds.

**__**

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy  
Some where between dark and light  
Where wrong becomes right  


I want to feel this ecstasy within me. I want to run through a field of flowers and scream wildly. I want time to stop for me. I want to dance with the fairies, creatures of neither dark nor light. I want to scream until my voice is raw. I want to show them all the true me... the person they've ignored.

And I am struck with a vision as I dance--- I see the world, the entire world, dancing and rejoicing life. We all laugh and dance and play. We all glow with this newfound inner peace and when people say peace, they can say it as if it were another word, and not something so scared that if you say it, something bad might happen. We have peace.

I am the visionary. So I shall see that the world dances together. We shall sing together. And peace won't be some rich, kid's ideal. It'll be a reality. Because I have seen it. So then, I shall make it happen.

**__**

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Someone grabs my arm. I snap out of the trance I was in and find myself staring into Trowa's beautiful, emerald eyes. It's funny. I never really noticed his eyes... **_  
_**

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Trowa pulls me against him. I rest my head against his chest and we just sway to the beat of the music. I wonder what's running through his mind as he gently strokes my hair.

****

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

He lowers his head, so that his mouth is next to my ear. "You are so fragile in heart and that makes you look so beautiful; but your will is strong, Relena, which makes you absolutely stunning. It's not that we don't truly care. It's because you don't need us. Are you really that weak?"

**__**

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

  
I pull away from Trowa and gently touch his cheek. "You've got it wrong," I say, "It is you all that doesn't need me, but I need you. I need you all to be my strength. Am I asking for too much, Trowa?"

He shakes his head. Trowa smiles. He kisses my hand and then grabs a doughnut. "See ya later."

I fall on the couch as the next song starts up. Am I really as weak as I think I am? No matter. I have work to do. I pause the cd. I get up and walk into the study. I sit and my desk and type in my secretary's code.

I hear the ringing of her vid-phone, and three rings later, her face pops up. "Yeah?"

"Mokoto, how are you?"

A look of shock passes over her face. "Miss Relena!" she shouts. "What can I do for you?"

"I had a vision."

**__**

-------------------------------------

Thanks for all the reviews. In the next fic, The Dragon and The Princess, there might be some spoilers for the Ground Zero manga. If so, I'll have a warning at the top. And don't worry, there's no yuri in my fic. There's only Wufei, Hilde, Sally, Une, Dorothy (not necessarily in that order), and a final wrap-up left. 

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**__**

  



	7. The High Priestess and The Princess

****

The High Priestess and The Princess

by

Aoko

Email: noodlepower@hotmail.com

Dorothy is sitting in the chair across from me. We are outside sitting on the balcony, sipping our tea slowly. It has been thirty minutes since Dorothy first arrived, and she has not yet said anything. I am not unnerved by this. Dorothy is as quiet as me. Perhaps, we are like that for the same reason. The less someone knows about you and your plans, then the harder it is for them to attack you.

I hear the soft clink of the china as Dorothy sets the pink and white teacup down on the saucer. She looks at me as if she's studying me... sizing me up as if I'm an opponent ready to attack at any moment. But there is amusement in Dorothy's pale, blue eyes. Plus she's smirking, which only means she's thinking of some to way to make me break. Dorothy. She always searches for my faults and weaknesses, then attacks them violently and quickly. 

I stare indifferently at Dorothy. I won't be the one to break the silence. I didn't ask for her company. She merely found me sitting on the balcony, staring at the gardens below me. She called for a servant to bring us tea and began gazing out at the gardens also. I briefly wondered how the world looked through Dorothy's eyes.

The winds blow a bit strongly, whipping Dorothy's long blonde into her eyes. She sighs and pushes the well-cared for locks out of her face. My face is as impassive as ever. 

"Okay," she whispers, "You win the silence contest."

"I was not aware that this was a contest." Dorothy doesn't reply, so I ask, "Where is my prize?"

"At home with another, perhaps?" A sadistic smirk graces her thin lips. 

My facial expression does not change. Some time ago, I would have asked her what she meant. And Dorothy would merely raise a single, forked eyebrow. Then I would rush to Dorothy's side, grab her arm, and beg her like a child to explain what she meant even if I already knew.

The smirk on Dorothy's face slowly fades. "I have a present for you, Relena."

I watch as Dorothy picks up her purse she sat on the floor near her chair. She opens her purse and reaches in. She pulls out a what seems to be a deck of cards and hands them to me.

I take the cards and examine them. "Tarot cards?"

"I was in Jamaica. I saw them and I thought of you."

I take the first card off the top of the deck and flip it over. It is a brightly color card. A lady sits on a throne near bright blue water and gazes longingly into a golden cup. She has a golden, ruby crown on her head and her hair is long and fair. Her blue gowns flows about her. She is beautiful.

I hold the card up for Dorothy to see. She smiles, as if she is amused by the picture. 

"The queen of cups," Dorothy says, as she looks at the card. "That's what you are."

I look at the card again. "No, I am not."

Dorothy continues as if I hadn't spoken at all. "The queen of cups reveals secrets."

I must now admit I am amused by this. I never figured that Dorothy was into the mystic side of life. Of course, I must ask myself, how well do I really know Dorothy?

I pick up the next cards and stare at it. It is a woman with fair skin, sitting on throne wearing blue and white robes. She is wearing a white cross and a white, horned crown, that is probably made of ivory. At her foot sits a yellow, crescent moon. I show Dorothy the card.

"The High Priestess."

I look at the card again. "You are her."

"The High Priestess... unconscious awareness. Mystery."

I nod. Yes, Dorothy is like me. No one knows her. She keeps her pain hidden so deep, that when it reaches its pinnacle, it explodes into violent colors and leaves everyone trembling in fear of her wrath. 

"How have you been doing, Relena?"

"Fine. And you?"

"Wonderful. I was celebrating in Jamaica."

I narrow my eyes slightly. She's setting me up for something. "Celebrating?"

"You broke. That night. You finally broke." She smiles again. As if to secretly say she knows something that I don't.

I am silent. I broke. No, she really doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I've been broken for years now. Always, always... something is missing. I try to pin point what it is, but as soon I think I know, the answer eludes me. 

"Broke?" I ask, "I didn't break. You just never saw I was merely a piece of greater image."

Dorothy frowns, and then sneers at me. "You need them. Don't you? You're so pathetic without them! Unable to protect yourself!" 

I tilt my head to the side. I watch Dorothy carefully. Her pale, blue eyes of secrets are brimming with tears. There are wrinkles on her forehead because she is frowning. And she's biting her lower lips. I am struck with a realization. She needs me. All this time, I thought I was the one leaning on Dorothy using her for support and strength. False smiles and polite jokes. Maybe Trowa was right. Maybe I don't need them after all. And maybe Dorothy knows that I really don't need them. I have a strength of my own that comes from my determination and conviction. 

How odd. Dorothy was the one who needed me. She had no concept, no faith in peace. She believed in war... she loved it, craved every minute of it and yet, she hated it all the same. And then I come, to instill in her something she's never had before. I gave her hope. 

She's afraid of losing me. I smile at this realization, and it only infuriates Dorothy.

"You disgust me Relena! You disgusting hypocrite! You talk about peace. And start projects to help everyone ease into this new peaceful world. We've been fighting wars for years and you want everyone to just stop the very thing they were born to do! How can you lead people into peace when can't find it yourself?"

Again, I say nothing. So focused on myself, on my own selfish needs, I failed to see Dorothy's needs. Maybe we could have been good friends, but our beliefs are too different. Our goal is the same, but our methods vary. War-loving Dorothy. I wonder what her secrets are.

"I lead people into peace because it is what I was born to do. How can I not when peace is the ideal that courses through my blood?"

"Peace once coursed through your brother's blood." Dorothy smirks as if she's won a victory over me. 

"It still does," I say. "Milliard Peacecraft is my brother and seeks peace through words. Zechs Merquise is a separate person. He lives a warrior's life."

"But sometimes, I bet, you can't tell them apart."

I stare up at the clear, blue sky... blue just like my brother's eyes. "Yes. And no."

Dorothy stares into her empty tea cup. "I just wanted you to break... to admit you were wrong."

"So that you could be right. You must learn to lose gracefully, Dorothy."

She looks at me with a weak smile. "That sounds like something Treize would say."

I nod. I've met Treize Khushrenada on several occasions, but I've never actually held a long, philosophical discussion with the man. No, rather I watched him from afar and I learned many things by just doing that. Treize liked irony. He found it amusing. And I suppose that's the reason why he always seemed as if he was laughing at some private joke. But I have discovered the thing he found so amusing. Peace is an irony because you must fight long and hard to have it. Peace isn't something that's given to you on a silver platter. You have to be willing to die for it.

"You are the High Priestess, Dorothy. I see secrets in your eyes."

Dorothy looks amused by this. "And you are the queen of cups. So reveal my secrets."

I look out at the garden below. "In due time."

"Well," Dorothy says, standing up, "I told your brother I'd catch a movie with him."

I look at Dorothy. I nod, smiling sadly to myself. Dorothy walks off, the clicking of her heels fading. Things get a bit blurry, and I know that I'm on the verge of crying. Is it so selfish of me to just want to be around other people? To be accepted for who I am instead of my status? The woes of being Vice-Foreign Minister, I think sarcastically to myself.

Suddenly, Dorothy pops back onto the balcony. "Relena, why don't you join us? I'm sure Milliard will be thrilled to see you."

I look at her and remain silent.

"And," she grins, "We could play some video games."

I smile. "I'd be honored to join you."

For once, I'm not watching anyone leave. I'm the one who's leaving.

--------------

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Disclaimer: Me no own nothing.

A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews. This part isn't as good as the rest and I apologize for that. And, wow, it took a long time... what a year? for me to update this thing. Okay, so maybe it hasn't been exactly a year, but it feels like it. Sorry once again.


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